Q & A: “Mom, I’m Scared.”

Q. “My child has a pre-op appointment next week and he has seemed unfazed about the surgery up until now. Then, out of the blue he said, ‘Mom, I’m scared.’ As a mom, is it okay for me to say, ‘You’ll be fine’? I didn’t know how to respond. What would be a better response for the future?”

A. I can hear your heart behind wanting to say, “You’ll be fine.” I hear the comfort and grace, but also the reassurance and courage for both of you.  Objectively the response can be received as invalidating and can shut down the natural process of sharing deeper emotion. A different way to respond might be to normalize the fear. For example, “It’s normal to be scared about something like this.” Or, “Sometimes I feel scared too in new places.” From there, after you have validated the emotion, ask what your child needs. Would information help? Would physical comfort ease the emotional distress? Would just listening to the fears and feelings be enough? Trust your instincts as a parent, and then verify with your child. Come together to meet the child’s needs and offer what we in the therapy world call “emotional containment” – which is just a fancy word for sitting with someone in their pain. I hope everything goes well on surgery-day. My thoughts will be with you.